Weightlifting Resources

Here's my latest 30 minute cardio mix. It's female vocalists, alternative, pop, rock, hip-hop, just general fun.

Hold On - KT Tunstall
Shut Up and Let Me Go - The Ting Tings
Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
I Don't Think So - Kelis
No Sleep Tonight - The Faders
Pocketful of Sunshine - Natashia Beddingfield
No Hay Igual (Club Mix) - Nelly Furtado
Tambourine - Eve
Umbrella (feat. Jay-Z) - Rihanna

I'm on week 4 of Red Carpet Ready. When I finish, I think I'm going to go straight into the Action Hero Workouts posted on Val's blog. I'm having so much fun; I don't want it to end yet. :-) After that, kettlebells!

What happened to all of you Warp Speed Fat Loss people? You've been quiet lately. Are you... alright? LOL

We were sitting on the front porch last night watching the bats. (Yes, we're the weird family on the block.) There were so many in the sky that I went running for the camera. I took a lot of pictures of black blurry stuff, but in this fine photo, I actually captured a bat! It's the fuzzy dot right and center. Impressive, eh?

We bought a Jeep this week, a Wrangler Unlimited with a hard top. I like it. It's a blast to drive. I noticed that in my Honda, there are all of these things to keep it from tipping over - traction control, stability assist, onboard computers. In the Jeep, there's nothing at all to keep you from going over, just a roll bar and a wench, as if they expect you to find yourself upside down from time to time. I'm supposed to order some special dog seatbelts so that the "kids" stay harnessed into their seats even if we're tumbling end over end.

I've been playing with the BodyBot workout robot dealy some more. There are a couple of things I wish it did better or differently. I wish you could save and share your workouts, or run some preset routines. I wish that as soon as the workout ended, you had an option to repeat it rather than having to create it again, which only takes a few seconds, but just being able to hit a "repeat" button would be nice. Still, it's pretty slick, and really fun to play with. I can imagine it eventually being expanded to create longer workouts with different formats. Right now, the 4 minute Tabata intervals are a blast. Ripley doesn't think so, however. When she hears the music playing and I start jumping around in front of the computer, she attacks me. Jump squats and Russian twists really make the speckled nutcase angry for some reason.

Here are a couple of the routines I've been playing with. It's 20 seconds of blasting out as many reps as you can get, followed by 10 seconds of rest. It really kicks your ass quickly. In 4 minutes, you're sweating and your heart is pounding.

T push-ups
jump lunges
jackknife crunches
kettlebell swings
decline push-ups
sumo squats
bicycle crunches
burpees

And this morning I did:

jump squats
explosive push-ups
Russian twists
reverse lunges
spiderman push-ups
full crunches
kettlebell swings
mountain climbers

You can also create workouts for abs only, or upper or lower body only. Or you can use the same exercise throughout. Like 8 sets of kettlebell swings with 10 seconds of rest between them. Pretty fun, but I'm still figuring it all out. I'll feel dumb if there already IS a way to save and repeat and I'm just not seeing it.

New favorite chicken thing - buy boneless, skinless breast strips, mix them in a little olive oil and sprinkle with hickory seasoning, cook them on the George Foreman grill for 5 minutes, dip them in barbecue sauce. I've been having that for lunch almost every day this week with some fresh fruit.

I'm not impressed easily, but Hugo Rivera is one damn impressive bodybuilder, as you can see in the photos below...

Yes, I bought the robot workout thingy everybody is talking about. I held out for almost 48 hours until I saw that Craig Ballantyne had used it for his own workout this morning. Then I caved and had to have it. Call it fitness peer pressure or whatever. The BodyBot is the new program from strength coach, Ryan Lee. And when I say it's a program, I don't mean pages of printed workouts. I mean, it's an actual web-based computer program (aka, little robot) that lets you drag and drop video clips of exercises into a timeline. You choose your exercises, you choose your music, you hit "Play" and you have your own customized workout video.

Don't worry, it's not a dancy stupid grapevine toe-touch workout video. It creates 4 minute routines using the Tabata protocol, which is 20 seconds of intense activity followed by 10 seconds of rest. For the exercises, you can choose basic movements like body weight squats, crunches, and modified push-ups. Or you can create a near death experience with dumbbell/kettlebell swings, jump squats, dive bomber push-ups, burpees, etc.. Or, you can mix it up by repeating one challenging total body move in between other exercises, like - upper body, KB swings, lower body, KB swings, core, KB swings. So you can amuse and destroy yourself in an endless number of ways.

Once you've created your masterpiece and picked out some music, it takes you through a warm-up routine (so you don't die) and then it plays your workout with a timer running so you always know where you are in the interval. After each 20 second blitz, it gives you a 10 second rest. When you're done, you can either feel good about fitting 4 minutes of very intense training into your busy day, or you can repeat your workout for numerous "rounds" to create a longer routine. 

I'm much too impatient to read instructions or anything like that. I just started fiddling with it and it was very easy to figure out. You can go to the BodyBot website and play the video clips to see it in action. If anybody else has it, I'd love to know what kind of routines you're coming up with.

I'm going to go experiment with some new workouts. If you don't hear from me for awhile, either I wrecked myself with my own creations, or my new little robot toy became self-aware and turned on me. Hey, it happens...

I’ve been having a food epiphany. New things are happening in my brain.

Somebody asked about Eat Stop Eat. I didn’t do any fasting during my 6 weeks of Red Carpet Ready. That's totally not what the program is about. On the contrary, the nutrition recommendations are pretty Zone-like with an emphasis on small frequent meals and not getting too hungry. But reading and trying ESE a few months ago definitely gave me a new perspective on nutrition, meal timing, and my kooky fixation with food. Brad Pilon talks about “obsessive compulsive eating." Well, I could have been the OCE poster child with my clock-watching, software-tracking, freak monkey food journaling. I used to think about food every waking moment. If I missed lunch or I didn’t ingest 20g of protein every 2 hours, I just knew I was going to lose muscle, wreck my metabolism, turn to flab, and possibly trigger an apocalypse.

After I read some research on intermittent fasting and gave it a try (only out of morbid curiosity) I realized that what happens if you don’t eat for 24 hours is… nothing. No muscle loss or metabolism wreckage, no fire and brimstone, no horsemen or frogs falling from the sky. You feel weirdly energetic and you create a big calorie deficit. And as long as you’re strength training, you stay quite buff, thank you.

Still, the two programs don't exactly compliment each other. I think you'd want to be lifting heavier than RCR if you fast. But fasting taught me to really enjoy and appreciate eating, and to be more open-minded and willing to try different approaches. So, when I read the nutrition portion of Red Carpet Ready, I was more relaxed about food in general. I didn’t come unscrewed over the smaller serving suggestions or the fact that RCR doesn’t have you choking down giant amounts of protein at every feeding. I really LOVE that it lets you have a bowl of high-fiber cereal for breakfast, and that you can make a perfectly acceptable snack out of yogurt and berries, or a piece of cheese and a pear. You don’t need to gag down a chewy metallic protein bar or a bunch of bland cottage cheese to “balance” things.

 

A typical day of eating was: 

Pre-workout shake with a banana or frozen berries.

Bowl of cereal with soy milk, raisins and flaxseeds 

Hickory chicken with barbecue sauce, plus broccoli and carrots dipped in honey mustard dressing, plus a couple of cantaloupe wedges 

Piece of cheese and a pear

Turkey burger with cheese and ketchup (no bun), corn on the cob, salad

 

Celery and peanut butter

 

So, it’s probably not a ton of calories (I didn't count), but it was plenty satisfying. I wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t bored. I didn’t feel deprived.

 

Another weird thing that has happened to me lately is that my formerly insane free meals have become sane. The "food as entertainment and reward" thing is is kind of fizzling for me. That rascal Eckhart Tolle and his Zen-like emphasis on mindfulness and presence may have taken some of the thrill out of numbing myself with M&Ms. I still eat food that I love and I still swoon, but when I want a treat, I'll have a single-serving Ben & Jerry's ice cream instead of a pint. I'll eat a couple of Taco Bell tacos (150 cals each) instead of a thousand-calorie spread. I'll get a plain hamburger and small fries instead of a double bacon cheese whompin' jumbo fries combo meal. I'll eat five or six Hershey's Kisses instead of 127 of them. It's weird! I don't know if it's permanent or if it's some kind of phase I'm going through. Might be "maturity" I think they call it. :-P

 

This week I bought the new Body for Life books. I got Strength for Life by Bill's brother, Shawn Phillips, which is a guide to week 13 and beyond, and Champion's Body for Life by Art Carey, which is supposed to be the updated guide to Body for Life. Since BFL is about 10 years old, it's time for an update. I'm scared though! Who knows what they've done to it. I'm eager to check out both books and I'll be sure to review. Has anybody read them yet? Any thoughts? 

I finished up Red Carpet Ready... sort of. Clearly it's going to take a bit longer than six weeks to turn me into a delicate little flower. I'm having so much fun that I don't want it to be over yet, so I'm going to continue on with some more Valerie Waters workouts from her blog.

Thoughts so far: I love my abs. They're as defined as I've ever seen them, and that's without a tan! RCR includes a lot of really killer core moves - sliding planks, weighted crunches, etc.. I like my shrinking quads that don't stretch skinny jeans to the breaking point. My arms seem smaller, but are still scary as hell if the light hits them right. My weight has dropped back into the 130s, and at 5'8" I wasn't sure it was ever going to do that again without a hardcore dieting rampage, which I have no interest in. In fact, I just received a big box of chocolate from Canada where Cadbury Eggs are available all year. THAT intrests me! :-)

Rather than having any numbers in mind, my goal is just to have fun and stay fit. I'd also like to work toward a look that's a little less "boxer" and a little more "yoga instructor." I don't have the patience or attention span to actually DO yoga, mind you; I just want to look good in yoga pants. I'm also weirdly over wanting to be big and strong and ripped. All of the bodybuilding and fitness principles that used to thrill me make me yawn now. 

I actually followed instructions on the suggested weights. I used 5, 8 and 12 pound dumbbells. I went with 5 on shoulders, 8 on arms and 12 on chest and back. For most leg exercises, I used no weight. That approach is not for everybody. Women who don't have much muscle to begin with would probably benefit from going heavier. But RCR's light weights and insane no-rest enduranceathon workouts are great for anybody who is already muscular and trying to tone it down a little (me), or anybody who doesn't want any hint of added size, or anybody who's looking for a brief change of pace from heavy lifting.

In addition to dumbbells, you need a tall step, a stability ball, a resistance band, and Valslides. The Valslides are a blast! The exercise variations you can do with them are pretty much endless. There's a new video at Valslide.com that shows them in action. It features lots of WILD moves, and there's a hilarious "special guest" at the end.

If there are any drawbacks to Red Carpet Ready, it's that strength workouts can easily take over an hour, which seemed like a blazing eternity at first, but it does burn a lot of calories. Once you get in the groove and quit rolling around on the floor gasping, things move pretty quickly. Another possible concern is that there are a wicked insane number of lunges, squats, and step-ups in this program, which could cause some knee stress if your form is off or if your knees are tricky in general. I didn't have any problems, and I had ACL surgery last year, but if you're prone to knee pain, know what you're getting yourself into.

The nutrition plan is very Zone/BFL/PN. Good nutrition is good nutrition. If someone is eating well, I don't think you could look into their cooler and tell which program they were doing. The principles are going to be the same. The suggested Red Carpet Ready portion sizes are fairly small, and it's funny how when I followed them I lost weight. So, mostly I followed them, but if I wanted a bigger portion or needed chocolate, I just ate it. I like the fact that there is protein at every meal, but it's not a bodybuilding throw-up-a-chicken amount of protein. For example, one of my favorite "snacks" is a poached omega egg on a piece of whole grain toast with some steamed asparagus. It only takes six or seven minutes to make. It has about the same calories/ratios as a Luna or Zone bar, but it's SO much more satisfying.

I took no measurements and I had zero intention of taking a picture. Anything smacking of a "challenge" or an "end date" sets off all of my crazy bells and destroys any fun I might be having. In fact, I went a bit bonkers over taking this picture because I don't feel like I'm done yet; I'm just enjoying the process and excited about what comes next.

I took some fun camera phone photos on the dog walk this morning. Lots of pretty flowers. I'm kicking myself for not getting a picture of the dead bat, but I had to drag Ripley away before she Ozzy Osbourned it.

 

 

 

To go along with the theme of bad backs and crunchy knees, here's another video showing you how to workout in water to reduce the stress on joints. (Thank you, Diep. Good idea!)

 

If you have bad knees and can't lunge, or lower back pain that make most ab exercises painful, this post is for you. I was sitting here watching YouTube videos this morning and I found a couple of really good ones from Craig Ballantyne that show progressions and modifications. Using these moves, you can build the strength and endurance you'll need in order to do more advanced exercises pain-free.

The first video discusses planks, side planks and bird dogs. Say what? :-) If you've never heard of them, they're great static endurance exercises for building core strength. The second video discusses the lunacy of having overweight beginners with bad knees dive straight into weighted lunges. Craig shows you the way to ease into lunges gradually and safely.

A lot of the programs I talk about seem pretty advanced, and some of them are, but you'll see that Turbulence Training in particular is really beginner-friendly with lots of modifications, clear instructions and video demonstrations. He doesn't subject you to any risky or ultra high-intensity moves until you're willing and able to go for it.

Plank and Bird Dog

Lunges

There is a rabbit that lives in our yard, a deranged, fearless, dog-taunting rabbit. She will sit and eat clover with slobbering (apparently blind) dogs three feet away. If the dogs do manage to spot her and chase her, she can run straight through chain link fence like a freaking terminator. As soon as the dogs look away or lie down, she's back.

Today we noticed that this bold bunny was building a nest in the middle of the yard. She dug a deep hole, lined it with fur and grass, and is apparently planning to have babies RIGHT THERE in dog central. Hoping to avoid a bloody massacre, we built a security fence for her. It's not much to look at but it should protect her from both the dogs and the lawnmower. Behold the engineering marvel! LOL  

 

I'm at the mid-point of Valerie Waters' Red Carpet Ready program and it's time to switch up the exercises. I would like to take a moment to welcome back T push-ups, weighted crunches, single-leg squats and single-leg Romanian deadlifts. I missed you (not!). I've also been introduced to something called a twisting Valslide reverse lunge. I nearly did the splits and fell out of a window on my first attempt. I bought the Valslides and let's just say that they move much faster than paper plates. I love them! For sliding movements, they're smoother and more challenging than anything else you could stick under your feet. I'll admit that I was a hard sell. I didn't see any reason to buy them until my paper plate bent, snagged on the carpeting and dumped me on my face. Now, I understand the wisdom of using the right equipment, especially as I progress to more difficult moves using weight and rotation. The Valslides are well-made, nicely-cushioned and won't snag or catch on anything. Plus, they're a bit challenging to control, giving you that much more muscle activation on the exercises.

I had a chance to interview Valerie this week and ask her some questions about Red Carpet Ready.

 

Tell us a little about your training background and philosophy. Who are some of your biggest influences in the fitness industry? My early background has its roots in track & field and then later in body building.  I learned so much about effort, perseverance and commitment from being involved in sports at an early age.  Years later I had the opportunity to meet Mark Verstegen and Mike Boyle, two of the most brilliant Strength & Conditioning coaches out there.  However, unlike Mark and Mike, I do not train pro athletes.  I train television and movie stars and they want a very specific look.  So I took what I learned from Mark and Mike, tweaked it a little, then applied it to my own training methods.   I also regularly attend training workshops and seminars, most notably from Perform Better.  One of my favorite presenters (and good friend) is Alwyn Cosgrove.  He has the ability to make very complex information understandable…and it’s always entertaining to hear him speak.  If you have not heard any of his lectures, sign up or order them on DVD.  www.AlwynCosgrove.com

You've become quite well known for creating a specific "look" for your celebrity clients. How would you describe it? I call the look “Movie Star Fitness.”  It is fit and toned but very feminine.  It is not in-your-face buff.  No 6 pack abs, maybe the start of a 2 pack, and a flat belly but not ripped.  No overly developed arms but a round firm butt.  Quads are defined but not bulging.  My girls (Jennifer Garner, Rachel Nichols, Elizabeth Berkley) embody this look.

We often hear that women can't get too big, or that men and women should train exactly alike. What are some of the most common concerns you hear from your female clients and how does Red Carpet Ready address them? I hear from women constantly that they are afraid to train with weights because when they did they got “too bulky.”  “Too” is the operative word here.  The desired amount of muscle varies from person to person.  Not everyone wants to look like an athlete.  Many want a “pilates body” or a sexy toned body.  Well, Red Carpet Ready can give you that look faster using weight training.  It is the combination of specific exercises coupled with the diet that creates the Red Carpet Ready look.

Your clients are often quite lean and fit to begin with. Is Red Carpet Ready for women of all shapes and sizes? What kind of results can they expect? Red Carpet Ready is for women of all shapes and sizes.  The workouts help speed up your metabolism, burn fat and create shape.  The diet is the most important part in reducing body fat.  The stricter you are on the eating plan, the greater your weight loss will be.  This is not, however, a diet of extreme deprivation.  Rather you are taught how to make better choices and given strategies on how to make them work.

A lot of women are under the impression that in order to get lean they need to starve, or count every calorie, or live on nothing but protein and green vegetables. I was pleasantly surprised at the variety and flexibility of your meal plan. Tell us a little about your approach to nutrition. Since I come from a body building background, I originally modeled what they were doing.  You know, egg whites, oatmeal, chicken, broccoli and sweet potatoes.  Later I had the opportunity to meet with Dr. Barry Sears and really learned the role that insulin plays in the body.  The diet evolved through trial and error, first on myself and then on many clients.  I believe in eating 5-6 times per day.  I believe fast digesting carbs are the real culprit in weight gain.  I believe if it is too extreme nobody stays on it for long, so what’s the point?  I believe in teaching strategy as opposed to just setting down a specific meal plan.  You know the saying, “Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.”  I believe in teaching people how to eat for long term success.  Watch my blog for an update on how I eat now.  www.valerie-waters.blogspot.com 

Your workouts include some unique sliding moves. There is a temptation to use paper plates, towels or furniture movers for these exercises. Tell us about the Valslide and why it's a better option? The Valslide is a very specifically designed exercise tool.  Not only do they work better than the mentioned paper plates, towels, etc but you feel more empowered using them.  It’s like the cans of soup or water bottles that some women’s magazines are always trying to get you to use as weights.  To me it implies that our bodies are not worth even a nominal investment.  Imagine you were working out at the gym.  How would you feel doing bicep curls with a can of beans or sliding on a paper plate?  The Valslide sells for $29.99 and it comes with an instruction booklet as well as a little mesh bag for carrying.  A pair of dumbbells cost $15-$25.  Is your health not worth at least that much?  Skip your Starbucks Venti Latte and Muffin ($5.50 X 10 working days = $55.00) for 2 weeks and you practically have a home gym.

 

My paper plate malfunction, combined with that visual of doing "bean" curls, led to a brief tabulation of my weekly restaurant bills, which convinced me to finally try the Valslides. While I was at it, I decided to buy the kettlebells, a water bottle, a new fitness program and about five other things. Because I'm worth it! Or at least that's what I'll tell my husband when he sees the Visa bill. LOL 

Valerie's program is Red Carpet Ready and her blog is www.valerie-waters.blogspot.com. The blog has great workouts, pictures of her food, and even dogs in bandannas!

Last week, I had a hypochondriac freakout about the BPA in reusable water bottles and drinking glasses. As one of those water-guzzling fitness people, I had a water bottle with me at all times - a poison-leaking, hormone-disrupting, cancer-causing water bottle. When I didn't have the killer water bottle in hand, I was drinking from a big make-me-a-mutant plastic cup. I've now ditched the plastic in favor of this ultra-cool metal Sigg bottle and a set of amazing bubble glass tumblers.

The Sigg bottles come in all colors and styles. This one is called "midnight illusion" and I loves it! The black metal has a futuristic, post-apocalyptic, alien cool factor. You carry it by the finger loop in the lid. It holds 1 liter. It's recyclable. It's a bit of a bugaboo to clean, requiring a special brush thingy, but I think it's worth the fuss. I want more of them even though they're $20 apiece!

The bubble glass tumblers seem magical to me. They're big (17oz) and sturdy and they have an array of tiny bubbles IN the glass. No matter what you put in them, it appears carbonated! I love that! Ice water, green tea and protein shakes all have a happy, bubbly appearance. Hopefully, I don't immediately break them all. I had been using plastic because I'm a serious klutz and my floors are slate and ceramic tile. Anything that I drop literally explodes when it hits the floor. The new glasses are especially dangerous because of the weight. They're substantial empty, but when you fill them up they're really heavy, and when it's warm, they get condensation on them. The result is a heavy, slippery, breakable object in the hands of a klutz with explosive floors. We'll see what happens!

I added both of these to the Gadgets & Gizmos section of my Store. The Midnight Illusion Sigg bottles seem to be out of stock. Between Earth Day and all of the hypochondriacs freaking out over plastic, there's been a run on reusable bottles. I'm going to have to go back and look around. I swear I saw a black Sigg bottle with a red skull and crossbones on it, the perfect beverage container for work.

For those of you taking bets on how long it would take me to buy Alwyn's new Warp Speed Fat Loss program, I bought it one hour and ten minutes after it went on sale today. Thank you. I know I have a problem. LOL And not only did I do THAT, but I went to Dragon Door and bought two new kettlebells. My name is Skwigg and I am a compulsive fitness shopper. 

I have one beautiful 26lb Russian Red kettlebell, and just bought two 18 pounders. I also need a 35 pounder but you can only buy so much iron at a time without breaking both the bank and the UPS truck. I realize that Dragon Door is more expensive than the sporting goods store knockoffs, and that shipping is a holy nightmare, but I must have the "real" ones because I'm insane like that.

Warp Speed is 468 pages (not a typo) and it's in full color with lots of pictures. I didn't get the upgrade hard-copy DVD things and now I'm kicking myself for being thrifty. (When am I ever thrifty?) Today is the first day of sales, the server is totally crawling over there, barely alive. The fitness shopaholics have stampeded it like a bunch of little girls trying to get Hannah Montana tickets. I had to hit refresh for, oh, about 10 minutes before I got the download link to come up. Hopefully, I didn't charge my card 300 times.

I am rocking the Red Carpet workouts this week. Finally, I'm developing the endurance to blast them out without kneeling or crying or praying, but I still whimper a little on the deranged glute isolation moves and those lunges and squats that come up into a kick. Those sets burn like hell, but just as YogaGirl predicted, I'm no longer sore afterward, just... toasted. Like I can definitely feel that I've done something, but it's more of a dull fatigue feeling than standard screaming muscle soreness. Next week all the exercises change. That ought to be entertaining. Stand by for more whining.

I had a crazy realization this morning. If you're somebody who is not trying to lose weight (me) a love for crazy fat burning, metabolism blasting, ass-kicking workout plans simply allows you to eat more. :-D When I did Afterburn, I was not dieting, not in any way. I was averaging close to 2,800 calories per day and I still lost 8 pounds!! That is whack! So much for my metabolism slowing down as I age, eh?

As you've probably heard by now, there is one of those mondo promos going on over at Turbulence Training, the kind that lasts 3 days and there's a big ridiculous countdown clock running and you get approximately 120 bonus workouts and e-books with your purchase. It's a great deal if you've been thinking about buying the program, but TT veterans keep telling me that they think Craig does this too often and that it's overkill. I would tend to agree. However, every time it happens, I am more than happy to go over there and collect all of my free bonuses. :-D Those of you who already have Turbulence Training, be sure to check your e-mail for the download link or log into TT Members to grab your freebies by midnight Wednesday. I downloaded all of mine the first night for fear that the server would blow up.

Most of them I've only glanced at, but I was thrilled to get my hands on the Kettlebell Fat Loss Unleashed workout. I looked through it and I love that each workout links to a video demo. You get several minutes of instruction, safety pointers and modifications for each exercise. That's necessary with kettlebell training. If you just looked at a picture of an exercise and sort of guessed how to do it, you could seriously rupture something. A lot of the moves use 2 kettlebells, so now I have an excuse to buy another one! I got a good chuckle out of his description of the cardio "smoke sessions" which involve "high metabolic demand kettlebell drills, sprinting and intermediate distance running." OH my god! We're going to do what? LOL

I also loved the 4 Week Fat Burning Meal Plans. I'm a major meal plan dweeb. I want to see what everybody else is eating, or might eat, or should eat. It's a month of menus with recipes and nutrition stats, a 1500 calorie average for women and an 1800 calorie average for men. I know a whole lot of active women who can lose on 1800, so it's like 8 full weeks of meals. And they're fairly normal meals, not "bodybuilding" food. Like you can have some shredded wheat, milk and banana for breakfast without trying to figure out how to add 40g of protein to it.

I just made a hilarious discovery in Adobe Acrobat Reader. The meal plan e-books face the wrong way so I went into the View menu to rotate them. Near the Rotate View command, there is something called Read Out Loud. Hmmm.... never seen that before. I clicked on it and a ROBOT MAN started reading the menus to me. Too funny!

Most of the time I'm very OCD about my workout playlists. I'm a nut about the tempo and the songs and the order. I like to arrange them based on themes or moods. I micromanage and control-freak it like crazy. Well, this week I was living dangerously. I put a couple hundred random upbeat songs into a list and hit shuffle. I didn't look at it or fix it, I just started working out. The results stunned me. Each new song was more hilarious and perfect than the last. I had a GREAT workout and I actually doubled over laughing a couple of times at the lunacy. (Tubthumping especially killed me!) I enjoyed this kook fest so much that I saved it to use again. Here it is for your amusement. Run time is 58 minutes.

Kiss - Prince

Bitch - Meredith Brooks

Mr. Blue Sky - Electric Light Orchestra

You Sexy Thing - Hot Chocolate

Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz

One Week - Barenaked Ladies

Bad Day - R.E.M

Don't Let Me Get Me - Pink

Crazy in Love - Beyonce

Tubthumping - Chumbawumba

Flathead - The Fratellis

Can't Stop - Ozomatli

Do It Well - Jennifer Lopez

Work That - Mary J. Blige

All Good (radio) - Zeroleen

Pain - Jimmy Eat World

(Note - This story involves a big wiggly insect. If you are terrified of bugs or prone to bug nightmares, you might want to skip it.) I was making my favorite cottage cheese, fruit and nut breakfast combo this week. A key step involves wrapping macadamia nuts in a paper towel and bashing the hell out of them with the bottom of a heavy sugar jar. I had my cottage cheese in the bowl, my fresh strawberries sliced, and my nuts ready to be whacked. As I reached for the glass sugar jar, something in it moved, something big and black with spiky legs and long antennas! Eeeeeeeeew! EEEEEEEW!!! Using every ounce of self-control and all of my monkey ninja powers, I resisted the urge to throw the jar against the wall, shriek like a little girl and levitate out of the room. Instead, I slowly and calmly placed the jar on the counter and I dove behind the refrigerator.

From my safe vantage point behind 300 pounds of Kenmore, I could see that Mr. Insect was behaving a little weirdly. For one thing, his bug butt was sticking straight up in the air and he was literally face-down in the sugar. For another thing, he wasn't... really... moving. I crept up for a closer look, thinking maybe he was dead. I tapped on the jar and he slowly and nonchalantly moved one leg. I hopped in a circle flapping my arms and bounced out of the room. 

What to do? I couldn't do any nut-smashing (heh, heh, heh...) with him IN there, and I didn't want to open the lid because then he might come OUT and I might run through the wall of the kitchen like Herman Munster. So, I left him on the counter for further observation. I smashed the macadamia nuts with a pointy hammer thing I found in a drawer, and I ate my breakfast far, far from the icky insect situation. In fact, I forgot all about him for a few hours.

Later that afternoon, I looked at him again. He was still face down in the sugar, apparently eating it, apparently in some kind of a drunken bug sugar stupor. He'd been eating sugar non-stop for like ten hours! I was amazed, and I felt some kind of a twisted carb-junky bond between us, but I wasn't about to open that lid. I waited for my husband to come home. He listened patiently as his crazy wife explained to him about the big wiggly bug in the sugar coma and how I'd been "observing" it all day. He immediately picked up the jar and shook it (eeeeee!!!). The drunken bug righted itself, perked up it's scary antennas, and looked at us like WTF? I bolted out of the room on my tip-toes. I heard the back door open and I ran back just in time to see the jar open and the wind catch the cloud of white sugar. Mr. Insect hit the ground running, as fast as his little bug legs could carry him, in a twisted, drunken serpentine line, covered in magical white fairy dust. I said, "Wow! That bug had quite a party today." Husband said, "But now he tastes like sugar. His friends are going to eat him." 

Ugh! I'm sure there is some kind of a moral to this story, some cautionary tale involving insulin, addiction, restraint and friendship, but I don't know what it is and I have a sugar jar to boil.

I have received some hilarious texts and e-mails from those of you doing Red Carpet Ready. These are not unfit people mind you; they are personal trainers, martial artists, fitness instructors, veterans of Afterburn and Turbulence Training. They write to me saying that the Valslide mountain climber thingies dropped them on their ass, that they turned bright red from exertion, that their legs were screaming, that they could only get through the circuits one time before they collapsed, that they had to stop because they thought they were going to throw up or faint.

Oh, how this warms my heart! Now, I do not feel like such a crybaby weenie for struggling through these "fluffy" little workouts. This high heart rate muscular endurance stuff is very, very different from typical heavy lifting. My heart and lungs (and sweat glands) feel like I am doing the TT Bodyweight 500 or 1000. It's that kind of no-rest, burning repetition, but it lasts longer! I'm getting better at it, finding my groove, picking up speed. I did the whole workout (all circuits three times) in 52 minutes this morning. Not only is my pace getting faster, but I'm getting better at the sliding moves and the squat, lunge and plank variations that used to leave me shaking. Of course, once I start getting good at it, the workouts will completely change. You only do them for 3 weeks before switching to something different and worse. :-D

If you want to try some Valerie Waters workouts yourself, she has posted Get an Action Hero Body and Action Hero Workout #2 in her blog. Give it a try. Run through those circuits 3 times each. Don't just look at the pictures and the lack of big weights and think that it's nothing. Try it! And if you have any comical newbie soreness, upchucking or muscle collapse, please write and tell me. I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you.

Since I'm doing a Valerie Waters fitness program right now, last night, Alwyn Cosrove e-mailed me a photo of Val's latest action hero client. Suddenly all of the guys at work wanted to see my phone. It took me awhile to get it back! This is Rachel Nichols (from Alias) as Scarlett in the upcoming movie GI Joe. She buffed up quite a bit for this role, but I haven't seen any non-supersuit photos yet. Still, looks like you'd have to be pretty damn buff just to get INTO that outfit!

Alwyn also mentioned that next month he and Mike Roussell are launching a new, and I quote, "EXTREME get-shredded plan meets Afterburn on ephedrine." I do not even want to know. I cover my ears and sing... la, la, la, la, la... something about a 4 week fat-blast-o-rama for people wanting to lose much faster than 2lbs per week... la, la, la, la, la... If any of you are interested in Warp Speed Fat Loss, you can click here to watch a 25 minute video or sign up for more info. I'm going to continue with the singing and the ear-covering...

 

I'm learning to love my no-hassle pale new look. What's weird is that I seem to be getting some color even through SPF 70. How is that even possible? Perhaps I should invest in a sun bonnet or a hazmat suit. Anyway, for years I used sunless tanner to enhance muscle definition and minimize flaws on my legs (veins, scars, massive kickboxing bruises). The color blended and hid everything really well. What I have discovered is that bright white legs coated in sunscreen also have their own magical camouflaging properties. They scatter and reflect light like nobody's business. When I'm outdoors in broad daylight, you could not look directly at my legs even if you wanted to. Glance at me and you'll be seeing green spots through tattered retinas for the rest of your life. I'm like a freakin' death ray walking down the street! I feel as though I have discovered a new super power. Do not cast your eyes upon The Human Reflector!

I started the full Red Carpet Ready workouts. I'm doing the strength circuits twice each and it's taking me just under an hour, maybe 50ish minutes. When I increase it to three times each next week, it will probably put the strength workouts at 60-65 minutes. Heart rate stays way up there throughout. There is no rest. You recover from your single-leg reaching lunges by doing sliding planks and such. (Yes, ouch!) After giving it some thought, I decided to go ahead and use the suggested weights, mostly 8-12lbs. Obviously, I'm not going to put on any muscle doing that, but it isn't a muscle-gain program; it's all about getting smaller. What's funny is that I considered this a six week vacation from heavy lifting, a nice break, a way to kick back and relax, try something a little different. I did not in any way expect it to kick my ass, but my ass is so hilariously kicked! This light, high-rep "feel the burn" stuff is just stomping me. The sliding moves, the little isolation exercises that I haven't done in years and years. OMG! The day after my first full workout, I felt like I'd been dipped in fire. Forty minutes into this thing, while I'm doing crazy, leg-lifting, glute-clobbering isolation movements, I find myself trembling and mumbling things like, "Don't cry. It's almost over." How funny! I'm embarassed for myself. Hopefully, I'll toughen up in the coming weeks. :-D

On Monday, I was goofing around at Lowes.com and ended up buying a storage shed. On Tuesday a huge truck arrived and left a gazillion pound box in the front yard. We had to cut it open and carry the contents around the house a few pieces at a time, and there were a lot of pieces, approximately five thousand of them, and some Japanese instructions. It took two people and two canine supervisors approximately 4 hours to assemble this thing.

Here are some camera phone photos of the proceedings. Love the one of Ripley looking up at me like, "What did you do with piece A-7? We need that one next."